Betrayal and Boxer Shorts
by Itsallablur
Summary: Darien, Hobbes, an assassin, and a bachelor-ette party.


Title: Betrayal and Boxer Shorts  
Authors: liz_Z and Invision  
E-mails: liz_Z@theglobe.com, BlackFilter300@cs.com   
Category: Humor, Action/Adventure  
Spoilers: Some for 'The Camp', a tiny one for 'Frozen in Time'.  
Rating: PG  
Disclaimer: These characters aren't ours, we aren't making any money off them, and we'll return the characters in (mostly) the same condition we got 'em in. The boxers, however, are ours to do with as we please :)  
  
  
The door to the Keep swished open. Claire looked up just in time to see Darien walk into the lab, followed by Hobbes. They were in the middle of an animated conversation. Hobbes gestured wildly with his hands as he spoke. "Look, I'm telling you, there is no way anyone could make a paper airplane fly for more than eighteen seconds inside of a building!"  
"It's been done, says so right here." Darien held up an old copy of the 'Guinness Book of World Records'. "This guy, Ken Blackburn, got a paper airplane to fly through the air, indoors, for 18.80 seconds."  
Hobbes shook his head in disbelief at that. "Gimme that!" He snatched the book away from Darien, then raised his eyebrows in amazement as he read. He looked back up at Darien, a stubborn look in his eye. "Okay, maybe you're right. But there's no way they can get to twenty seconds."  
"You never know."  
Claire walked up to the two of them and cleared her throat. "Excuse me, but what are you two doing in here?"  
Darien looked up at her. "Oh. I need a shot." He held up his arm to show her. Half of the segments were red.  
Claire shook her head. "How do you manage to go through counteragent so fast?"  
Darien smiled. "Practice."  
"Have a seat." Claire patted the gynecologist's chair she always gave Darien his shots in and began prepping a needle with the counteragent. Darien sat down, pulling off his jacket and pulling up his shirtsleeve. Claire had finished prepping the needle and was just about to jab it into Darien's arm when her telephone rang. She sighed and walked over to the table she'd placed it on. She picked it up and said in a slightly annoyed voice, "Hello?" She paused for a moment, listening to the person on the other end of the line. Then she glanced over at Darien. "Yes, he's here. I'll send him right up." Then she hung up the phone.  
Darien stood up. "Who was that?"  
"It was Alex. She wants you up in her office."  
Darien sighed. "Oh great. She's probably gonna chew my ears off for leaving that frog in her grass shake mixer-thingy earlier today."  
Hobbes gave Darien an incredulous look. "Why'd you do something like that? Are you suicidal?"  
"Oh come on, it was just for fun. She'd been lecturing me all morning about the importance of the element of surprise, so I decided to give her a taste of her own medicine. I just hope she didn't turn that thing on with the frog inside." Darien shuddered at the thought as he picked up his jacket and walked out of the door.  
  
**********  
  
Darien stopped just outside the door to Alex's office, unsure of whether or not he wanted to enter. If he did, he'd probably get a long lecture, but if he didn't he might get in even more trouble. Finally he decided he might as well take the lecture. He opened the door and walked through it, but stopped in shock when he saw the state of Alex's office. It was a shambles. Papers were scattered everywhere, some of the furniture was broken, and the mixer was lying broken on the floor, liquid seeping out of it. The frog Darien had put inside it was now hopping around on the floor, croaking softly to itself.  
Darien whistled softly. "All this over one frog?" Then he saw Alex's limp form lying on the floor. She didn't look like she'd fainted; she looked like she'd been attacked. There was a large gash on her forehead, and blood was slowly seeping down her face. Darien looked down at her in horror and leaned down to check her pulse. But right before his fingers reacher her throat she sat up and aimed her gun at his head. She was obviously more alive than Darien had thought.   
"Hello Darien," Alex hissed, "or maybe I should say goodbye."  
Just then the door swung open and Claire walked in, holding the needle she had filled with counteragent earlier. "Darien, you forgot your shot..." She trailed off as she took in the sight before her. Alex looked up at Claire in surprise.  
Hobbes walked in after her, took one look at Alex, Darien, and the gun, and immediately leapt into action, charging at them. Darien took advantage of Alex's distraction and slammed her hand to the ground, struggling for the gun. Alex gave Darien a sharp kick to the midsection, sending him flying. Then she leaped to her feet and charged for the door, easily sidestepping Hobbes' attack. She shoved Claire to the ground on her way out.  
Hobbes ran out of the door, drawing his gun as he ran. Darien hurriedly pulled himself to his feet, then ran over and helped Claire up. Then he charged out the door after Hobbes and Alex. Claire paused for a split second, wondering what to do, then ran down the Agency halls after Darien, yelling, "Wait for me!"  
  
**********  
  
Claire ran outside, needle in hand, just as Darien and Hobbes were hurriedly getting inside the van. Alex was already speeding away. "Wait! Darien, your shot!"   
Darien stuck his head out of his still open door and yelled, "Give it to me in the van, Keep." Claire jumped inside and Hobbes sped away from the curb. Darien once again took off his jacket and rolled up the sleeve of his black shirt. Hobbes turned sharply to the left just as Claire was about to jab Darien with the needle.   
"Jeez Hobbes, could you drive a little more carefully? I need the shot in my arm, not my spleen," Darien griped.  
"Sorry, partner."   
Claire quickly gave Darien the shot. Hobbes turned another sharp corner, sending Claire and Darien flying into the side of the vehicle.   
"Hobbes!" Darien and Claire shouted in unison.   
"I'm sorry! It's just that chasing a fleeing criminal at high speeds calls for some difficult maneuvering and..."   
"Okay, we get it," interrupted Darien.   
"Well I was just trying..."   
Claire tapped Darien on the shoulder, trying to get his attention. "Excuse me. Sorry to interrupt, but would someone please tell me what just happened back there?"   
"I walked into Alex's office and it looked like someone had broken in and attacked her. I went over to help her and boom, she shoved a gun in my face."  
Hobbes shook his head. "I knew that chick had something going on behind the Agency's back. A five-star rating, pushy attitude, and good looks spell trouble, my friends." Hobbes turned again, this time more carefully.   
The trio watched as Alex pulled up to a warehouse that was surrounded by numerous other cars. She stopped, jumped out of the car, and dashed inside the warehouse just as Hobbes pulled into the parking lot.  
Darien groaned. "Aw crap. Looks like there's gonna be a crowd." Hobbes parked the van near the entrance to the warehouse. Darien and Hobbes got out of the van, and Claire began to exit when Hobbes began to protest.   
"Wait a minute, Keepy. Where do you think you're going?"   
"Well, I was planning on helping you two catch Alex. Is there a problem?"   
"Fawkes and I can handle this. There's no need for you to go in there and get yourself hurt."   
"I can take care of myself, Bobby."   
"I'm not saying you can't, but it... well, I'd just feel better, you know, if you stayed in the van." Claire gave him a curious look and then looked over at Darien, who was smiling at his partner'sconcern."What? I just thought she'd be safer in the van."   
"I know, I know," Darien said as he headed for the door to the warehouse.   
"Just trying to look out for my coworker's safety."   
Claire sighed. "All right Bobby. I'll stay in the van if it'll make you happy."   
Hobbes smiled, shut the door, and followed Darien. They walked up to the warehouse. Darien looked at it nervously. "I've got a bad feeling about this."  
Hobbes looked over at Darien. "What?"  
"I dunno, it just doesn't feel right. You think Alex laid some kind of trap in there for us or something?"  
Hobbes shook his head firmly. "Too many witnesses." He motioned to all the other cars in the parking lot; there were at least seventy. Then he opened the warehouse door and walked in.  
Darien glanced at all the cars lining the parking lot and muttered, "That's what worries me." Then he stuck his head tentatively through the open warehouse door and walked inside after his partner, closing the door behind him.  
He found himself in a small, dimly lit hallway. He could barely make out the figure of Hobbes, crouched by a closed doorway with his ear to the door. He walked up to his partner, tapping him on the shoulder. "Hobbes-" Hobbes held up a hand, motioning for silence. Darien stopped in mid-sentence, waiting until Hobbes stood up from the doorway. "Hobbes, what're you doing?"  
"Listening. There's somebody in there. Maybe a lot of somebody's."  
"Well, I would've guessed that from all the cars in the parking lot."  
"Just shut up and listen to me, will ya? I'll go through the door first, and then you come in after me. We'll search the room. I'll take the left side, you take the right."  
"Why can't I take the left side?"  
"Because I called it, that's why. Let's go." With that Hobbes flung open the door and charged into the room. Darien began to follow him, but Hobbes suddenly skidded to a stop, causing Darien to bump into him. Darien started to ask him why he'd stopped, but then he saw the reason. The two of them were standing on a makeshift stage, and gathered on the floor around it were at least a hundred women. Alex was nowhere in sight or, if she was, it was impossible to find her face in the crowd.  
Not knowing what else to do, Hobbes flashed his badge, yelling at the top of his lungs, "Federal agents!"   
Before he could say any more all the women started giggling, pointing at Darien and Hobbes as they whispered among one another. A woman with long dark hair walked onstage, grabbed a microphone off of its stand, and announced loudly, "Ladies, the strippers are here!" She gestured toward Darien and Hobbes. A loud cheer went up from the crowd, along with some hooting and howling and the occasional catcall.  
Darien's face darkened with anger. He walked over to the lady with the microphone and dragged her offstage, glaring down at her and asking in a menacing tone, "Why'd you do that?"  
The woman looked up at him in confusion and anger. "Do what? I was just announcing you!"  
"Well maybe we didn't want to be announced, huh? And certainly not like that."  
The woman crossed her arms, giving Darien a glare of her own. "If you think you can do a better job, go right ahead."  
"Look, I don't have time for this-"  
"Darn right, you don't! If one of you two doesn't get out on that stage and start stripping soon, I'll kick you out! I paid a lot of money for you guys, and I don't think I deserve to be treated like this."  
Darien opened his mouth to deliver an angry retort, but before he could say anything Hobbes grabbed his arm and started to drag him aside. He smiled apologetically to the woman, saying, "Could you give us just a second?" The woman glared at him, but nodded. Hobbes pulled Darien out of the woman's hearing range and hissed, "What do you think you're doing?"  
"I'm trying to figure out what in the world's going on here!"  
"It's obvious what's going on here. That woman thinks we're strippers."  
"I know that! And personally, I don't appreciate the implication."  
"But don't you see, this is perfect!"  
Darien looked down at Hobbes incredulously. "What?"  
"Look. For whatever reason, these women think we're strippers. It's the perfect cover! One of us goes onstage and starts stripping, and the other one can look around for Alex. No one else'll notice, they'll be too busy staring all googly-eyed at the stage."  
Darien sighed. "Okay, fine. I'll apologize to that lady over there, and then you can go out on stage and start stripping." He turned around before Hobbes could protest and walked back to the woman, who was impatiently tapping her foot. "Sorry about how I acted just now, I think we got off on the wrong foot."  
"Yer darn tootin'! Now get out on that stage before I call the police!"  
"But-" Before Darien could say any more, the woman gave him a hard push in the direction of the stage. He stumbled out on the stage, trying to regain his balance. The women began cheering again as soon as he appeared, clapping their hands loudly and jumping up and down eagerly. Darien looked at the crowd, then turned frantically toward the exit. The woman was standing in front of the door, with a look on her face that made it very clear that Darien had two choices: strip or die. Darien looked back at the crowd of women surrounding the stage, a trapped look on his face. "Aw, crap..."  
You got that right, my friend," Hobbes said as he began to back up.   
The woman stepped in his way. "Where do you think you're going, sweet cheeks?"   
"Huh?" asked a startled Hobbes.   
"I paid for two strippers, therefore I expect both of you to get out there and do your stuff."   
Hobbes knew he had to get out there and find Alex before she had a chance to escape. He couldn't do that if he was up onstage. "Of course madam, but you see, me and my buddy right there never get onstage together. That would just be too much for one audience, ya know?"   
"I see. You two are kind of arrogant." She smiled slyly and slapped Hobbes on the rear. "I like that in a man."   
A very red-faced Hobbes excused himself and made his way through the crowd of cheering women. On stage, an equally red-faced Darien was reluctantly beginning to remove his shirt.  
  
**********  
  
Hobbes made his way through the tangle of women, finding a corner to stand in. "Okay, how am I gonna do this?" he asked himself. It would be impossible to search through the crowd for Alex's face. He finally decided to question a random woman, hoping to find someone who had seen her. The only problem was getting anyone to pay attention to him. He glanced up onstage. Darien was had pulled off his shirt and was waving it in the air tauntingly. "God, if I didn't know better I'd say he was having fun," Hobbes muttered to himself.   
He headed back into the throng to begin questioning some of the woman, or rather, attempting to. He tapped a woman with long black hair gently on the shoulder. "Excuse me, ma'am?" No answer. "Ma'am, if I could just ask you a few questions." Still she did not acknowledge him. Hobbes got closer. "Ma'am!" he yelled.   
"What?" the woman yelled in an annoyed tone.   
"I just need to speak to you for a moment. I'm looking for a woman with reddish-brown hair and... Ma'am?" She had turned away from Hobbes, once again concentrating on what was happening on the stage.   
"So much for that one," Hobbes said as he continued through the crowd.  
  
**********  
  
Darien was getting worried. He was down to his pants right now, and he really, really didn't want to take them off. Hobbes should have found Alex by now, shouldn't he? God, he thought as he began to pull down his pants, this is embarrassing. Although, truth be told, it was kind of fun in a sick sort of way. Not that this was something he'd like to do every night, or ever again for that matter, but he might as well make the best of it.  
Darien had just stripped down to his boxers, which were black silk with pink elephants on them, when the door burst open and two men thundered onto the stage. The first one, a tall, balding man, pulled out a fake badge and yelled out at the top of his lungs, "Federal agents!"  
The shorter, blonde-haired man chimed in, yelling, "Yeah. Now freeze!" Immediately the room dissolved into utter chaos. Some of the women looked around in confusion, wondering why there were two pairs of strippers at the party. Others screamed, convinced that these men really were federal agents and were there to arrest the lot of them. Darien whirled around to look at the two men in surprise and shock. The two men looked at him, seeming surprised at first, and then enraged.  
"Hey!" The taller one yelled, "What's the big idea with hiring another stripper behind our backs?"  
The woman who had introduced Hobbes and Darien walked up onstage, an utterly confused look on her face. She opened her mouth to speak, but couldn't seem to articulate what she was thinking. Darien couldn't help but smile; it was the first time he'd seen her speechless since he got here.  
The woman turned from the strippers to Darien, and then back again. "YOU'RE the strippers?" The two men nodded. The woman looked at Darien. "Then... then who... are you really?... Aw, crap."  
Darien's smile widened into a grin. "Yup, I'd say that just about covers it."  
Just then the two strippers walked up to Darien. The larger one gave Darien a push. "Look here, you. I don't know who you are, but my buddy and I don't take too kindly to people stealing our gigs."  
The shorter one chimed in. "Yeah, we don't like that very much."  
Darien's smile faded. "Look, it's not what you think-"  
The larger man interrupted him. "Sure it isn't. And I'm the king of France." That said, he pulled his arm back and punched Darien square in the nose.   
Darien took a step backward and touched a hand to his nose. It came away bloody. Darien frowned. "You shouldn't have done that." Then he lunged at the bigger man, barreling into his chest and sending both of them sprawling to the ground.  
Hobbes looked up in surprise as all hell broke loose on the stage. Darien and the two strippers were all fighting in a tangled heap, the woman who was hosting the party was standing to the side, apparently having some sort of nervous breakdown, and all the women from the front rows had charged up onto the stage in an attempt to claim various items of Darien's clothing. He shook his head. What had he done to deserve this?  
Just then he caught a glimpse of Alex's face in the crowd. She was quietly slipping through the crowd, trying to make her way toward the nearest exit. Hobbes immediately drew his gun and charged after her. However, he found it very difficult to make his way through the throng of ladies that were running around the room in all directions.  
Alex got to the door and tried to open it, but it was locked. She immediately changed directions and began heading for the stage. Hobbes tried to change directions as well, but it seemed that for every woman he managed to avoid, three more stepped in his way. Alex managed to make her way to the stage long before he did.  
Darien had just managed to emerge triumphant from the tangle of arms and legs that were the two strippers and was feeling very proud of himself for being able to fend the both them off when he felt the cold nuzzle of a gun barrel at his temple and a feminine arm grabbing him roughly by the shoulders. He groaned. "Aw, come on Alex, twice in one day?"  
"Shut up," Alex hissed in his ear, "If you get smart with me I'll blow your head off."  
Just then Hobbes managed to reach the stage, although it was so crowded by now he had no hope of getting on it. Alex tightened her grip on both Darien and the gun. "Stay back! If you come any closer I'll pull the trigger!" Hobbes froze. Alex smiled nastily. "Now drop your gun." Hobbes didn't move. Alex tightened her finger on the gun's trigger. "Drop it!" Hobbes sighed and let his gun fall to the floor. It was instantly lost in a sea of women.  
"Now if you'll excuse me," Alex said, backing toward the door with her gun still to Darien's head, "It's time for me to make my exit."  
"Look, if you're going to shoot me could you at least let me get my pants on?"   
" Just keep your mouth shut."   
"Please..."   
"I said keep you mouth shut!" Alex pressed the gun harder against Darien's temple.   
Hobbes wasn't sure what he was going to do. The women were all rushing towards the back of the warehouse to the exit. Alex had a cat's reflexes. If he went for his gun on the ground, she would kill Darien before he had a chance to stop her. He couldn't let them get outside. Once Alex had a chance to escape she would kill Darien. Judging by the events in her office, that's all she wanted to do anyway. What the heck was he going to do?   
"Open the door," snapped Alex.   
Darien groaned. "Oh man, you're going to make me go outside in my boxers?"   
"Don't worry. You won't be alive long enough to care," Alex hissed in his ear.   
Darien glanced worriedly at Hobbes. How did they always get themselves into these situations?   
Just as Darien began to reach for the doorknob, the door swung open and nearly hit him in the face.   
It was Claire. All four glanced back and forth at each other in surprise.   
'Man that woman has excellent timing,' Darien thought.   
Claire frowned, crossing her arms. "Look, I am tired of waiting out in the… wait a second ... where are your clothes?" She asked, her expression turning to one of curiosity.  
Hobbes took advantage of Claire's distraction and jumped onto the stage. Alex was fast, but Hobbes was faster. He grabbed the gun from her hand and spun her around so her face was up against the wall. She tried to lash out with her foot, but he avoided the kick and slapped on the handcuffs.   
"That's good timing there, Keepy."   
Claire was more interested in why Darien was nearly nude. Darien noticed the look of curiosity on her face. He raised his right index finger in an attempt to silence any questions she was thinking of asking. "You don't need to know," he said.   
He turned around to get his clothes... but they were nowhere to be found. "Where are my clothes?"   
"Uh, I think our lady friends might have made off with 'em"   
"I don't believe this. This just keeps getting better and better."   
"Hey, at least they didn't try to, uh, steal your shorts, my friend."   
This caused Claire to burst into a fit of giggles, and Hobbes tried to stifle a laugh.   
"Yeah, go ahead and have a good laugh, but you wouldn't be laughing if you were in my shoes."   
"You're not even in your shoes Darien!" laughed Claire.   
Darien tried to keep an angry look on his face, but his mouth curled into a smile. In a way, it was kind of funny.   
  
**********  
  
A few women, including the hostess, had stayed in the parking look to see what all the fuss was about. Hobbes told them that they had done nothing wrong and were in no trouble. This satisfied all of them except for the hostess.   
"I am so sorry. I.... oh I am so embarrassed!" She put her face in her hands.   
"Ma'am it's o.k. Just make sure you ask for ids next time," said Darien with a small smile. He was wrapped in a blanket that one of the backup agents Hobbes had called for had had in his truck.   
"I don't think I'll be doing this again for a while."   
"Well that's one less thing for the cops to worry about," Darien said to himself as the woman walked to her car.   
Hobbes and Claire came up beside him. "Hey Fawksie, you ready to go home?"   
"I've been ready for the past 35 minutes."   
"We just had to clear up some things with the agents who are going to be handling Alex."   
"Yeah, speaking of Alex, did she happen to mention why she tried to kill me?"   
"No, she wouldn't say a thing. I didn't expect her to. We went through her car and guess what we found?" Hobbes held up a small pin. "Look familiar?"   
Darien leaned down to look at it. "That looks that one of those DNA pins that Allianora was wearing."   
"Bingo. I'm guessing that only an employee of Chrysalis would have this, my friend."   
"You mean Alex was working with them?" asked a stunned Claire. "That doesn't make any sense! She hates them, they kidnapped her baby."  
"Ah, she probably made that whole thing up. I mean, what better way to make us think she wasn't working for Chrysalis than to pretend she hated them? I'll bet she never even had a kid. She sure doesn't look like she was ever pregnant."  
Claire nodded her head. "You do have a point there."  
"The way I figure it is Stark was probably getting sick of Fawkes always fouling up his plans, so he had Alex placed in the Agency so she could take him out."  
Darien sighed. "You know, almost everyone and every organization that we've come into contact with either wants me dead or spread out on a lab table."   
"You don't have to worry about that, Fawkes. Bobby Hobbes has always got your back, my friend."   
Darien opened his mouth to give a sarcastic remark but decided not to. He just smiled at his partner as he started walking towards the van.  
Claire glanced over at Darien and bit her lip in an effort to fight back a smile as she remembered the boxers she'd seen him wearing back in the warehouse. She couldn't help but wonder where Darien had found them. They looked like something someone would give to you as a gag gift, the kind of thing you'd shove in the very back of the closet. But that was Darien. She smirked, unable to keep quiet any longer. "Hey Darien, nice blanket."   
"Ha, ha. Since when do you have a sense of humor?"   
"Since you started stripping. You know, I have a friend who's getting married next month. I'm sure she'd love to have you at her party."   
Darien groaned loudly and pulled the blanket tighter around his shoulders. "You're never going to let this go are you?"   
"You can bet your pink elephants on that."  
  
  
The End 


End file.
